And There It Is. The “Existential Slap”. I Don’t Want To Die.

After my test results yesterday, I am mentally and emotionally exhausted. After cooping myself up in this low-lit bedroom with no sunlight and stale air, I came across this article (link above), and finally found a name for the feeling – the heart wrenching feeling of what it is to have one last diagnosis presented to me. Just when I thought I had found my way around having cancer, the “existential slap” struck my heart again. This time with some kick, like I have been punched in the gut several times.

I was informed by my oncologist that there was a mass found in the duodenum of my intestine. A mass they cannot yet explain however, I noted a very clear expression on her face. It was like she was secretly saying to me, “Don’t get your Hope’s up Cin, this is likely not good news.”

How do I handle this? I am good at many things but I am worse at more. One of the many things I am positive I will not do well is die. I can’t! I am not ready! Not at all. My daughter needs me, she is barely four years old and every day looks at me with eyes that burn through my heart. Her innocence keeps me alive every day…and it also tears a tiny piece of my heart out, when I ponder too long on the truth that at one point in the near future, the light in her beautiful big blue eyes, will dim, and become sad. That thought alone is enough to bring me to my knees and send the sting of hot tears tears streaming down my cheeks. It is more than I can bear on this hot August morning.

So. For today, I choose to ignore it – the thought of dying. I am lying to myself that the welt of yet another “existential slap” has not taken me back a few steps. And the art of being convincing liar was something I never truly accomplished. I doubt I can believe myself even. So on this day, I choose to be utterly happy. I doubt my choice will be one that is carried out to the fullest extent of…however one measures happiness. But I can try. And I will.

Maybe tomorrow it – the realization of my “cease de resistance” – will be more palatable.



Author: The Not So Secret World of Cin

Wake. Sleep. Breathe. Die.