And There It Is. The “Existential Slap”. I Don’t Want To Die.

https://wp.me/p3GI2T-1cX

After my test results yesterday, I am mentally and emotionally exhausted. After cooping myself up in this low-lit bedroom with no sunlight and stale air, I came across this article (link above), and finally found a name for the feeling – the heart wrenching feeling of what it is to have one last diagnosis presented to me. Just when I thought I had found my way around having cancer, the “existential slap” struck my heart again. This time with some kick, like I have been punched in the gut several times.

I was informed by my oncologist that there was a mass found in the duodenum of my intestine. A mass they cannot yet explain however, I noted a very clear expression on her face. It was like she was secretly saying to me, “Don’t get your Hope’s up Cin, this is likely not good news.”

How do I handle this? I am good at many things but I am worse at more. One of the many things I am positive I will not do well is die. I can’t! I am not ready! Not at all. My daughter needs me, she is barely four years old and every day looks at me with eyes that burn through my heart. Her innocence keeps me alive every day…and it also tears a tiny piece of my heart out, when I ponder too long on the truth that at one point in the near future, the light in her beautiful big blue eyes, will dim, and become sad. That thought alone is enough to bring me to my knees and send the sting of hot tears tears streaming down my cheeks. It is more than I can bear on this hot August morning.

So. For today, I choose to ignore it – the thought of dying. I am lying to myself that the welt of yet another “existential slap” has not taken me back a few steps. And the art of being convincing liar was something I never truly accomplished. I doubt I can believe myself even. So on this day, I choose to be utterly happy. I doubt my choice will be one that is carried out to the fullest extent of…however one measures happiness. But I can try. And I will.

Maybe tomorrow it – the realization of my “cease de resistance” – will be more palatable.

Love,

Cin

“The Universe Can be Kind of a Dick”…

…I have this vision of dying in a pair of the most awful and insulting socks one could possibly find…

I found this title on a pair of socks on Amazon, now I have to have those socks!  Someone send them to me, please?  Let’s see if I can figure out how to put the picture in this post somehow….hmm. Oh – and the link…somewhere down below.

universe dick socks And looky there.  I did it.  Damn, sometimes I surprise myself.

Anyway, anyone who knows me knows that I have a thing for crazy socks.  Socks that have perverse or obscene language are a particular plus…but they can be just cute animal lover type also.  Doesn’t really matter, just sick of wearing plain white or plain colored socks.  Aren’t you?  I have this vision of dying in a pair of the most awful and insulting socks one could possibly find; to make the nurses laugh and…well to make anyone who wants to cry, laugh.

Speaking of dying, I still am.

I haven’t written for quite some time because for whatever reason I fell into some deep-rooted depression that even I can’t explain.  Pretty sure I am still there, however, this was the first morning I woke up and took a shower – rather, forced myself to get out of bed and take a shower – and now…well now I want to do something.  So here I am.  I’ve never been depressed so it took me a few weeks of not getting out of bed and only showering every few days to figure out there was more than a little something wrong.  And now I am seeing a therapist…to talk about how in the holy hell I can live and die at the same time.  Not sure if I will ever have the answer to that question.

Why not, you ask?  But Cin, you are living and dying right now, you say?  But Cin, isn’t everyone living and dying at the same time, you ponder?  Um…that depends, is my concrete response.  It depends on your definition of both living and dying.  To me, living is not simply being awake and taking a breath every few seconds and listening to my heartbeat over and over and over.  Living a life is more than that, isn’t it?  I have lived. In fact, I have lived several lives. I should know.  Betchya want me to elaborate on that one, eh?  It screams drama, haha!!

Oh, the stories I could tell about living….some would put Mother Theresa to shame, some would (hopefully) make her proud.  But the real juicy ones – those are the ones I swore I would never tell.  The ones that, at many points in time, I promised my soul that a peep shall never be uttered.  But what fun is that hmm?  I’m taking a chance here ya’ know.  The crap that swarms my brain every so often may be absolutely nothing anyone wants to read or hear or see for that matter.  On the other hand…I do know from talking to just one of my besties that my drama is the diva drama of all time.  And I have been told on several occasions to write a book.  That regular peeps (unlike myself) wouldn’t be able to put it down and would be screaming for more.  So…something to think about at least, right?  Should I keep writing or should I just tank it and go back to bed?

Well, my bed isn’t an option today.  Today I go see a surgeon for yet another abdominal surgery.  This surgery to fix the anastomosis that was likely screwed up the very first time, which has contributed to two surgeries and three hospitalizations of total discomfort.  What a mess.  We will see what he has to say.  Surgeons love to whip out their knife so it is likely that he will be all gung-ho for carving me up, again.  At some point, all of this surgery has GOT to be killing brain cells in droves.  No wonder I am depressed.  Cancer isn’t enough…its everything that comes after the diagnosis that kills a person!

Back to whatever it was, I was saying before I got stuck on the surgeon.  Oh!  Stories.  Yup, I have many.  Pick a topic.  I bet with 98% certainty I have something in my closet to say about it – all truth mind you – one doesn’t get to be a totally cynical 47-year old cancer patient without true diva drama.  Seriously.  Pick a topic.  It will give me something to do the next time I take a shower instead of pulling the covers back over my head.  I’m waiting.

After an hour of clicking on buttons, I figured out how to give you the web address for the socks.  Yeah, that took brain power I hadn’t saved for yet and three minutes of my life I’ll never get back.  You’re welcome. Feel free to buy them and send them to me – LOL.  Or buy them and wear them yourself…but you have to wear them. Deal? Oh!  Here’s a thing;  if you find a topic for me to write – some sort of true diva drama story – and it gets published somewhere…I’ll buy you socks.  Hows that?!

Dick Universe Socks

Just in case you want to donate socks…

 

Dick Universe Socks

In case you are having a great day and want to help an old cancer lady get a really cool pair of socks that she promises to wear into surgery…here’s your donate button. 🙂 Each pair of socks cost $11.00 on Amazon (which is the most ridiculous thing on earth), so however much you’re in the mood for, send it over. If I end up with more than $11 I will buy more socks…and post pictures of them on the gurney whilst rolling into surgery, k?! Thanks a bunch!

$1.00

 

Rainbows and Unicorn (Poop)

“At times I have hated myself – my body and the ingenious way it has figured out how to die – then got over it.  But I’m not over it, and I don’t know how to get there.”

This will likely be a short post, and a tiny warning…it may sound more like a rant than anything else.  And you may be offended so let me just address that right now.  If you are offended at something I write (or something I do not write), get over it.  I am opinionated and passionate, and I am dying.  I have zero control over anything in my life and have realized that I really have never had control over anything, haha!  It was an illusion I created for myself.  And if I could do it over with my current knowledge – I would do everything differently.  Almost everything.

I have been reading about death and dying..bogs from other people that are going through something similar to me.  And so far what I have read has really just…well so far I am not impressed.  I am reading about how well they have accepted their fate and all of the love and fru-fru stuff.  I have read nothing about the pure anger and emotional pain.  It is not all unicorns and rainbows people!  In fact, I am angry and sad, and angry, and sad, then ok, then sad and so on and so forth.  In the past year not once have been “everything will be fine and things happen the way they happen and I just want to spend my time with my family”.  Not once.  Not yet.

Does this make me a terrible person?  I hope not.  But if it does then I guess that is my reality, in addition to dying.  I don’t WANT to die.  Who does??  I don’t WANT to sit here and worry about my three -year old daughter and how much this will hurt her, but I do.  I don’t WANT to figure out how to find comfort in providing comfort for my husband, and how this will destroy the dreams we had of growing old together.  I WANT to change it.  I WANT it to go away.  I WANT to have the power to do something about it and I WANT cancer to just go away for goodness sakes.  And I am not getting anything I want.  And I’m pissed.  And at times I have hated God, then got over it.  At times I have hated my doctors, then got over it.  At times I have hated myself – my body and the ingenious way it has figured out how to die – then got over it.  But I’m not over it, and I don’t know how to get there.

A counselor, maybe?  Doubtful.  At the risk of sounding arrogant, I have been in healthcare for 30 years (since I was 16-years old), I know what is happening and what is going to happen to my body.  And I know there is nothing I can do about it.  And I know that being angry is just a waste of my precious damn time.  And I know that regardless of what I feel this is going to happen no matter how bad I am against the whole idea of being a terminally ill patient.  Talking about these intimate things to a stranger with more letters behind their name than I have will doubtfully make a huge difference in how I view the facts.  BUT, one never knows.  Maybe I better start looking for one.

I am likely angry because I am scared.  Most emotions – or at least the negative ones – are sparked by fear.  I could go on and on about this and continue the rant…but I am certain it is all coming out wrong and that the impression I am giving is of a spoiled, self-centered, egotistical stingy brat who happens to have cancer.  That is not who I am.  But…how do I show you…how do I make some sort of damn difference in someone’s life – anyone’s life?  How do I hurry up and figure out what my legacy is so I can place it somewhere in the universe and leave my heart print?  Do I have one?

My heart is just plain broken.  I don’t know how to die.

 

Today…Unlike Any Other. Dammit.

“Suddenly, I realized I am not immortal, I am human, and that just plain sucks.”

What is the first thing you think of when you wake up in the morning?  Yeah, I don’t know either and would typically balk at anyone who asked.  But…today.  Well, today was different.  I woke up and felt…grateful, sad, angry…almost rebellious.

Wait.  Do you know?  Have I written about this before?  The answer is a resounding “No!”

When I started this website the intent was to put useful bits of information out there and show how they – whether we want them to or not – are incorporated into our everyday lives.  It was a positive “blog”; frankly, I really had no desire for it to be anything but a sounding board when I needed to show off or let off steam, and I certainly didn’t intend that anyone would be interested enough to actually read it. But now…I think not.  I think now, it is quite different.  Everything is different.  So.  You don’t know.  Bwa- ha- ha- ha- ha.  Well, let’s get you up to speed, eh?!

One year ago, (oddly) to the exact day, I was diagnosed with stage IV adenocarcinoma of the small bowel with Metz to the ovaries, uterus, and omentum.  I am forty-six years old with a three-year-old hanging around my neck most of the time and two grown children in their mid-twenties.  I was given 6-9 months to live with a 5% chance of making it three years.  That day was certainly one for the record books (for me anyway)!  Yesterday I was told the Metz had further invaded my sacred body and decided to settle down all nice and snug into my lungs.  New prognosis?  Three to six more months, maybe, and “get your shit together, Cindy.”  Today I woke up and suddenly, being conscious was a very difficult choice.  Suddenly my entire world looked and felt different.  Suddenly, I realized I am not immortal, I am human, and that just plain sucks.

So I did not do much, did not talk to anyone, did not go anywhere, cannot recall what I watched on television for hours and hours, cannot recall what I thought about – if anything at all – today just…did not exist.  I flipped the computer on this evening and felt guilty for not following through with this site (a big stressor for the triple type A personality I have taken 46-years to perfect), saw the word of the day, so to speak, and decided to write you a little note about the word “suddenly“.  Yesterday it meant one thing, today it has taken on an entirely different meaning, and I am waiting to wake up tomorrow and every day after that until all of this is not so…sudden.

Talk soon, I promise. – Cin

 

Soon

Soon there will be more to the story, more to read, more to write…more to understand. It has finally found a path that will present the most intense information almost to exist.

Soon…

Always

I will always be with you, and you will always be with me. I love you, my dear.

I would do anything

and everything,

something;

So that you could

See, hear, taste, smell,

feel me.

Something wild.

Anything crazy.

Everything…

Real to touch, real to smell,

Real to see and real to taste.

Real to hear.

I would do everything, every day.

I will do everything…everything I will do for you to be with me

forever.

I will always be here,

Be with you, and you

will always be with me.

I love you, my dear.

 

 

Spider Lungs

Did you know that spiders can hold their breath?!  Well, I’m not scientifically positive that is an accurate statement, so maybe not.  The little bastards are devious, I swear!  The story of how I discovered this messed up ability of arachnids is quite odd and I will be writing it shortly (just setting up all the “stuff” associated and necessary to write in this new age world.  God forbid a pencil and paper be the only flipping things necessary.)

 

Stay tuned, grasshoppers.  Soon.

-Cin