What is the first thing you think of when you wake up in the morning? Yeah, I don’t know either and would typically balk at anyone who asked. But…today. Well, today was different. I woke up and felt…grateful, sad, angry…almost rebellious.
Wait. Do you know? Have I written about this before? The answer is a resounding “No!”
When I started this website the intent was to put useful bits of information out there and show how they – whether we want them to or not – are incorporated into our everyday lives. It was a positive “blog”; frankly, I really had no desire for it to be anything but a sounding board when I needed to show off or let off steam, and I certainly didn’t intend that anyone would be interested enough to actually read it. But now…I think not. I think now, it is quite different. Everything is different. So. You don’t know. Bwa- ha- ha- ha- ha. Well, let’s get you up to speed, eh?!
One year ago, (oddly) to the exact day, I was diagnosed with stage IV adenocarcinoma of the small bowel with Metz to the ovaries, uterus, and omentum. I am forty-six years old with a three-year-old hanging around my neck most of the time and two grown children in their mid-twenties. I was given 6-9 months to live with a 5% chance of making it three years. That day was certainly one for the record books (for me anyway)! Yesterday I was told the Metz had further invaded my sacred body and decided to settle down all nice and snug into my lungs. New prognosis? Three to six more months, maybe, and “get your shit together, Cindy.” Today I woke up and suddenly, being conscious was a very difficult choice. Suddenly my entire world looked and felt different. Suddenly, I realized I am not immortal, I am human, and that just plain sucks.
So I did not do much, did not talk to anyone, did not go anywhere, cannot recall what I watched on television for hours and hours, cannot recall what I thought about – if anything at all – today just…did not exist. I flipped the computer on this evening and felt guilty for not following through with this site (a big stressor for the triple type A personality I have taken 46-years to perfect), saw the word of the day, so to speak, and decided to write you a little note about the word “suddenly“. Yesterday it meant one thing, today it has taken on an entirely different meaning, and I am waiting to wake up tomorrow and every day after that until all of this is not so…sudden.
Talk soon, I promise. – Cin