A few days ago I performed likely the worst Youtube vlog video that has ever been created. I don’t like it, and I want to take that particular video down…but I’m not gonna. Why not? Because I am as imperfect as imperfect could possibly be, and people need to see that part, too. When I started throwing this cancer energy out into the world, it wasn’t only to promote how talented I am at hiding my feelings. Rather, the intent was to show everything – and I mean everything – that happens to someone like me when they are diagnosed with a terminal illness and are preparing to die. The search for perfection has to end.
Someone like me? Yup. A triple type A middle-aged control freak who cannot fathom the thought of non-existence. A person so capable of convincing herself and others that all is right with the world and the “I can handle it, I got it covered” mentality. Someone who has centered her life around ensuring others would only look at the great success created (whether or not it was actually success) and promoting an atmosphere of oooooohs and ahhhhhs and – ok, ok…had enough? Me too. I will stop explaining who I think I am because right now it seems to be only a mirage of self-doubt if you get right down to it.
so far I have written two paragraphs that mean absolutely nothing. Can you see that? Apparently, my talent at bullshit hasn’t taken a hit yet. hum-dee-dum, what do I write about?
I hate cancer. That has been a theme for the past year and a half. I don’t know how much more emphasis I can put on the word “hate” but imagine something you feel so strongly about that it causes actual negative physical emotion, and magnify it by a million. You might come close to understanding my use of that word, but I doubt it. Even I – the one who feels it – cannot explain it in an approriate manner. Dammit. Mayday, mayday…anyone there? Goin’ down in flames over here…
Ok. Reboot. What the hell am I talking about?
I am talking about how badly I want my life back. I want to wake up in the morning and think about something besides cancer. Anything. But I am having a difficult time with it – my thought process. I wake up, I feel pain, I think about cancer, I realize that is my world now and spend the next fifteen minutes convincing my body to not pull the covers back over my head. I tell myself there are a million reasons I need to exert my energy into the world, alive, and further convince my mind that I have to find one thing – just one – to be thankful for.
Some may say, “You are alive, be thankful.”
Really? Really?! I am about to start a process that I am fully aware is going to cause my body an ungodly amount of sickness and pain, make it difficult to pee, poop, walk across the room without throwing up, disallow me to spend good times with my family…and you want me to be thankful? Some others may say “You have a beautiful young daughter who loves and needs you. She deserves to have a mother, be thankful for her.” Friggin’ seriously? You actually think that beautiful, smart, love of my life girl wants a mom who consistently reminds her of illness, is the epitome of a spiritually broken woman and is angry at the entire world – you want me to be thankful this is happening to her? Not on your life.
Truth is right now, I agree with you. I agree the paragraph you just read is awful. I agree that I need to adjust my attitude and be grateful to have the opportunity to experience life regardless of its side effects. I am trying to decide if this is a mind-over-matter issue or is it just that I am an ugly person? Or maybe…maybe I am a good person, and I know I am a good person, and shit like this should not happen to good people. (Um, then Cin…who do you propose it should happen to? Moron.) And it makes me angry that life is not fair. That life – life – is going to destroy a tiny human who every day depends on its comforts. I love her and the very thought makes me furious.
And then I think about me. I think about how selfish it feels to want to give this to someone disease and all that comes with it to someone else. I realize how prejudice it seems to visualize a more “deserving” human. Oh come on – we all have prejudice. We just do. In my mind, a more deserving person, or rather population, are the child molesters of the world, or the drug user who doesn’t care about anything but his/her next fix, or murderers…I could go on. But, how can I do that? Each of those individuals, even as a population, were not born that way. They had some shitty life circumstance that allowed the universe to hand them the life they have. So why them? Because it is what I think? I must be pretty arrogant in that manner of thought, right?
So when I think about these things and try to find the tiny little box that my brain wants to put it in, I realize we – every single one of us – have no control over anything. And no matter how hard I try to hold on, how much I push for things to go one way instead of the other, it doesn’t matter because control is the illusion I allow myself to see as real. I think it is the only way my mind can comprehend what is happening in my life, the fact that I am going to die soon and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.
*sigh, pause, slurp some coffee, look back at the computer screen through teary eyes*
I’ll say again, I am going to die soon and there is nothing I can do about it. Being angry is at least something, right? Even if it is the wrong thing?